Overcoming Childhood Hurts

In July last year, I posted about Miss O being ostracised by 3 mean girls in her class.  The situation was eventually resolved, but unfortunately this year she is in a new class and she is still quite lonely at school.  She doesn’t have any close relationships with any of the girls in her class, and apparently spends most of the lunch hour on her own.  She  is creative by nature, so she used to spend it sitting outside the classroom drawing. But her school just opened a new building and so her classroom has moved to the new building on the second floor. Because the room is on the second floor, kids are not allowed to be on the second floor at lunchtime. So now she aimlessly wanders around the playground on her own.  She would go to the library if she could, but the school has a policy of each year level being allocated one day per week to visit the library. If it is not your *day* you can’t visit the library at lunch time.  (Probably the most ridiculous policy I have ever heard of). 

She wants to change schools.  In fact, I believe that she doesn’t want to go to school so badly that she has started feeling anxiety to the point of giving her tummy pain. Last week we spent all week seeing doctors – getting her an x-ray and ultrasound on her abdomen and eventually we spent hours in emergency so that we could rule out physiological problems. After much deliberation it was decided that part of her bowel was compacted and causing the pain. So I was instructed to ensure she stays hydrated, monitor her diet – make sure she gets plenty of fibre –  and if the pain was to continue, I was to administer some laxatives.  The doctors conceded that this entire problem could have been caused by emotional stress.

We are working on this – I have emailed the school principal with my concerns and have asked if we could meet, and perhaps get the guidance counsellor involved.  I will follow this up next week. I am really aware that the grass is often greener on the other side – and with only a year and a half to go until she starts high school, I really want to be able to work through these issues where she is, instead of changing schools.  That being said, if we don’t have a successful outcome soon, I may just be forced to change schools.

It can be hard to overcome childhood hurts.

Yes, hurts can make you stronger, they can drive you to become successful. But left unchecked, childhood hurts can still affect your self esteem in adult life; affect what you believe about yourself and the way you relate with others.

In my post last year,  I spoke about how  I was tossed ‘out’ of my group of friends when I was in year 8 and how much that hurt.

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The most awesome school uniform ever! NOT!

Excerpt from my post: 3 Little Bitches

Once I got to high school, things changed a lot. I was still ‘ugly’ and skinny, flat chested, with short brown hair and thick eyebrows. But I was thrown into a new group of people and for the first time ever, I had a group of friends. I wasn’t in the popular group by a long shot, but I had a group of friends and it felt great. I felt like I belonged.

Then about half way through grade 8, one day, I was ‘out’. I tried to join in with my friends and I was told I was out of the group. Just like that. With no warning. Needless to say I was devastated. I went home that night and cried about it.

Ironically only a few weeks before, one of the main girls in the group had invited me to a youth group event at the local uniting church. Now she was kicking me out of the group. I told mum about it and she told me to tell her that for someone who was meant to be a Christian, she wouldn’t even make a Christian’s bootlace. The next day, I confronted her in anger, and yelled at her, including my mums insult (even though I didn’t really understand what that meant until much later).

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Those hypercolour shirts were sooo stylish. heheh.

It didn’t kill me. But it hurt. And the whole situation is something I have thought about in my life from time to time…. and when I do… the hurt is still there.

So… last year I started going to a church congregation.

And who happened to be at the church… but the girl who had kicked me out of the group all those years ago.

My first thought was “Ugh! Not her! No way am I going to come to this congregation if she is here.”  I was still holding onto that childhood hurt.  It was more than 20 years ago, but it still hurt. But then I thought to myself. “Too bad. This  is the church I want to go to. I am not going to stop going here just because she is here”.  Still not over the hurt, but determined to not let it stop me doing what I wanted to do.

Even worse, she was now friendly towards me. I hoped that she might just ignore me, pretend she didn’t really know me. But that was not to be. So I was friendly in return, as much as was necessary, falling back on my habit of keeping people at arms length.

Experiencing depression and anxiety recently, I stopped attending church for the first half of this year. Not because I didn’t want to go, but because I was just too exhausted by the end of my working week to care.  But I didn’t like the way my life was feeling, the way my mind was spiralling, so a few weeks ago, I decided that I would commit to ensuring that I go to church each week.

So its been a few weeks and for the first two Sundays I smiled through my conversations with her, inwardly wishing that the conversation could come to an end.  I knew that i could not keep on harbouring these feelings of unforgiveness, but at the same time I was kind of afraid to let them go.

Then today after the service, just before we were about to leave, she said that she had something to talk to me about.

And she told me that a while ago, God had shown her that she needed to apologise to me for her behaviour towards me back then. And she said that she was sorry and asked for my forgiveness. We talked and we hugged and I accepted her apology.

Did I feel light and free straight away?

Did a burden magically lift off my shoulders?

No.

I drove home with feelings of ambivalence and sadness.

But I know that I need to overcome this childhood hurt and let it go, because holding onto it now is only going to hold me back.

In the Lords prayer, God instructs us to forgive others.

“…Forgive us our trespasses… As we forgive those who trespass against us…” 

Truth be told. I am wary. I am afraid of letting her in and being hurt again.

But I have been given a chance that not many others have. A chance to heal from my childhood hurt. A chance to move forward. Perhaps in time, a chance to regain a friendship that I once considered special.

I have a chance to let go of the baggage.

Forgiveness is a choice. I can choose to forgive, or I can choose to hold on to the hurt.

Yes, it is scary.

But I am strong.

Source : https://www.facebook.com/FeelingsWisdomAndLove

I can choose to forgive.

I will choose to forgive.

I choose to forgive.

As God has forgiven me.

My husband is not my soul mate.

I loved this post and rolled my eyes at the memory of my teenage self.

The Art in Life

It might seem odd that on this, our one-year anniversary, I am beginning a post with the declaration that my husband is not my soul mate. But he isn’t.WegmannWedding161

I wouldn’t want to imagine life without James. I enjoy being with him more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I wouldn’t want to married to anyone else other than James, which is good, because I plan on being married to him forever, and he has to let me die first.

But I reject the entire premise of soul mates.

WegmannWedding294Do you remember those awesome Evangelical 90’s/ early 2000’s where Jesus was kind of like our boyfriend and we all kissed dating good-bye because we just knew that God was going to bring us THE ONE and then life…

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Love Me Sneak!!!

The following is part 2 of an extended sneak peek of:

love me

The Keatyn Chronicles: Book 4

by Jillian Dodd

Wrapped up in a relationship.

6:50pm

I get to play practice a little early, where the drama coach immediately pulls me aside. “So, Miss Monroe, what did you decide? Are you going to give me a committed performance or are you going to quit?”

I smile. “I’m going to give you an amazing performance. I’m really sorry about last week. I kind of got caught up in a guy.”

“Who you’ve since broken up with, or so I’ve heard.”

“Yeah, but I was going to keep doing it even if that wouldn’t have happened. Acting is something I really want to do. Like, maybe even with my life. So it’s important to me. I just, I sort of forgot to think about me. Have you ever done that?”

“Got wrapped up in a relationship? Sure. Everyone does sometimes. Learning that it’s okay to be yourself, have your own interests, and still be part of a committed relationship is part of growing up. And something I learned the hard way.”

“Really, how?”

“In college, I was in a one-act play. But the girl I was dating had a sorority function the same night and was upset that I couldn’t go. She was going to take another date, so I quit the play even though it was important to me.”

“Was the sorority thing that big of a deal?”

“Not really. And I held it against her, which then undermined our relationship.”

“The one that got away, huh?”

“Actually, no. I chose to get away because she wasn’t supportive of me. If we would’ve had a good relationship, she would have come to my play, then we would have gone to the last half of her formal. You have to want to make it work.”

I think about Tommy and Mom and how they won’t do movies at the same time in different locations. How they won’t be apart for more than a week. How supportive they are of each other. What Aiden said to me at tryouts flits through my brain. How if Dawson loved me, he should be there supporting me. Watching me tryout. Not making me feel guilty for doing what I love.

“That makes sense.”

He smiles at me. “And I do have some good news for you. Wednesday and Thursday, you get the night off. We’re going to be focusing those practices directly on memorizing lines. Since you have yours down, you get a little reward.”

“Really?! Thank you!”

“No, thank you. It’s nice to work with a professional. You, Logan, and Jake are the only ones in the cast who are prepared.”

I take my usual seat in the back of the auditorium and pull out my homework. Might as well get started on it. I have a comparative essay due tomorrow for English, math problems, a science worksheet, and History chapter questions.

I’m tackling the essay when my phone buzzes. I expect it to be Aiden since it’s unusual for him to be late.

Dawson: I missed walking you to class today.

Me: We were working on a project for the dean.

Dawson: I heard. Was it fun?

Me: Yeah, sort of. The dean saw the video we made on the plane. This was sort of our punishment.

Dawson: That video really upset me.

His comment makes me feel bad and pisses me off at the same time. It’s like he’s trying to make me feel bad for making him feel bad when he made me feel bad.

Does that even make sense?

Me: I’m sorry it upset you. Obviously, I was pretty upset myself. What you did sucked. Look, I’ve got to go. I’m at practice and I have a ton of homework.

Dawson: I know it sucked. I’m going to make it up to you.

Me: And how are you planning on doing that?

Dawson: I’m not sure. Is there anything I can do to make you get over it?

Me: Talking about it might help. Like if I really knew what you were thinking. Maybe. Part of me doesn’t want to know. Part of me would prefer to just stay mad at you. Being mad is easier.

Dawson: Please don’t stay mad at me, Keatie. Please. Can we talk tonight? Like after play practice?

Me: If we get out in time.

Dawson: If not, we’ll go to the cave later or something. Okay?

Me: Okay.

Aiden strolls in around eight-thirty. I’ve done two of my scenes in the first act and managed to get a rough draft of my essay done.

“I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I can’t do tutoring tonight.”

“Yeah, I kinda already figured that,” I say, trying to hide my disappointment. I’ve come to enjoy hanging out with Aiden during practice.

“I’m glad I skipped out on the taping and went to French. We had a pop quiz,” he tells me.

“How did you do?”

“I think I did good. Your tutoring seems to be working.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Uh, sure. What are you doing tonight?”

He grins at me. Probably reading my mind and knowing that I’m dying to know what else he has to do. How much do you want to bet it involves a curvy cheerleader who he is friends with?

“I’m helping Riley with the video. He’s worried that he won’t get it done. What he’s done so far, though, is really good.”

“That’s nice of you, Aiden. But I’m kind of surprised. I didn’t think you and Riley were friends.”

“We were friends during football camp. Then we got into it in the locker room that one day.”

“As in the day he slammed you against the locker for talking shit about me and Dawson?”

Aiden hangs his head a little. “Yeah.”

“Riley’s a good guy,” I say.

“Yeah, I know. He’s not like Dawson.”

“Dawson is a good guy.”

Aiden rolls his eyes at me, shakes his head, and says, “See ya later, Boots.”

The way he says it sounds kind of dreamy. His voice. His mouth. Everything about him is just plain dreamy.

But then I remember another time he said those words to me.

After our 29 dances.

Which means I probably won’t hear from him for days.

Don’t stop kissing me.

9:45pm

We get out of play practice a little early and since Dawson has been begging to see me, I go to his room.

When I get there, he immediately pulls me onto his bed and kisses me.

We kiss, and kiss, and kiss.

He runs his hands up the sides of my shirt and pulls it off. Then he kisses my neck, my chest, and my stomach. Then he stops, puts an arm above my shoulder and leans close to my face.

“We haven’t been talking. I’m sorry. I’m having a hard time starting over. I want you. Badly. But we should stop kissing and talk, right? What do you want to talk about?”

“I just have one thing to say.”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t stop kissing me.” I grab his shirt and pull him back toward my lips.

Which is all he needed. He kisses me passionately and does some other stuff that I very much enjoy. I start to feel that familiar yearn. I want him too.

Badly.

Why is it again that I don’t want to have sex with him?

Is it because I want to punish him?

But isn’t that sort of punishing me too?

I want to. And, oh my gosh. He is, well, he’s doing things to me that I also shouldn’t be letting him do, but I don’t stop him.

I can’t stop him.

I want to feel close to him again. I want to know if things have changed. He said things were different when he and Whitney kissed.

Things are not different when we kiss.

I still feel the same desire. The same emotions. I’m ready to take things further, all the way further, and he is definitely ready.

This is the point where we both just know we want to.

Since that first time, we never question it. It feels good, so we do it. And I’m ready for that. Expecting that. I’m guiding him toward me.

But he stops.

Again.

“Keatie. I want this more than you know. But I want you to be okay with it. I don’t want you to regret it. I never want you to ever regret what we do. I know maybe it sounds empty because of what happened, but I love you. I really do.”

He strokes my hair, runs the back of his hand down the side of my face, and sweeps it across my chin. I lean my head into his hand, and he cradles my face in his palm and looks into my eyes.

I don’t break his stare. I tilt my hips up a little higher, grab his hips, and guide him into me.

He is a bit shocked by this, I think.

His eyes get big, but then he smiles and starts slowly pushing in and out. Then he leans down and kisses me.

Our kissing matches the rhythm of the sex. Slow and gentle to start, then deeper and harder and faster, until he can’t keep kissing me because it’s gotten so intense.

Finally, he collapses on top of me, breathing heavily. I hug him tight as he sprinkles little kisses down the side of my cheek and across my shoulder.

“That was amazing.”

I laugh at him. “You always say that.”

“Sorry, I need some new adjectives. I’ll get back to you on that. I’m having a hard time thinking right now.” He grabs a strand of my hair and absent-mindedly twirls it around his finger.

“What are you thinking about?”

“How lucky I am. Does this mean we’re back together?”

“No, but we’re maybe starting over.”

“Yeah, but . . .”

“If you recall when we started, this happened pretty quickly.”

He smiles big. “I do recall. And I swear it won’t end like before. So are we going out again?”

“We’re not. Just like we weren’t then.”

“Right. We’re taking it slow.”

I grin and shake my head because we both know that this is not taking it slow.

“Something like that. I might date other people. And you should too.”

He glances at the clock. “I doubt I will, but we’ll see. We better get you home. I don’t want you to be late.”

I glance at the clock and see that he’s right. We quickly get dressed, walk arm in arm back to my dorm, have a long kiss, and say good night.

I’m lying in bed, reading a steamy romance novel, when Katie says, “What happened with you and Dawson tonight?”

“We just, you know, we’re maybe starting over.”

“He just changed his relationship status,” she says, as my phone buzzes.

I pick it up and read that I’m supposed to approve: It’s complicated with Kiki Kiki.

And I don’t know who came up with that relationship status when they invented Facebook, but I’m thinking I couldn’t have described it any better myself.

Because it is complicated.

And I’m pretty sure that my sleeping with him just made it even more complicated.

I decide to check on Riley. I call him and say, “How’s it going?”

“It’s good. Almost done. We’ve got three computers with all the video and Dallas and Aiden have been helping me find the footage I need. It’s turning out great. Are you going to be up for a little while? I’m putting some finishing touches on it and will send you the link in a few.”

“I’ll wait up. I can’t wait to see it. Um, Riley, uh, how come Aiden is helping you?”

“He offered.”

“Oh. Are you friends?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

A few minutes later, my computer dings with an email. I follow the link and watch the video.

It’s amazing and makes me cry.

I call Riley back.

“I, um, it’s really good, Riley,” I blubber.

“Are you crying?”

“I’m just, it’s just . . . really good.”

“Yeah, you said that already. It’s supposed to make you want to come here, not cry.”

“It will make people want to come here. It just . . .”

“It’s about us.”

“Exactly. I love you and Dallas.”

“Aiden too?”

“What do you mean?”

“I think he loves you.”

“Uh, no, he doesn’t. He put stars on my ceiling, but he just wants to be my friend.”

“What part made you cry?”

“Just all of it,” I lie.

“What part made you cry?” he asks again sternly.

“Aiden’s part. How people here inspire him to be a better person. About the sunsets.”

“And why did that make you cry?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I slept with your brother tonight.”

“Is that what the whole it’s complicated is all about?”

“Yes.”

“Baby, it’s okay with me if you like Aiden. I know you’ve liked him since school started.”

“Thanks, Riley, but I don’t like Aiden. I mean, I did, at first. But he doesn’t like me back. He wants to be my friend.”

“Oh, really? Your friend?” Riley chuckles.

“Don’t laugh at me. I’ve been friend-zoned. It’s embarrassing.”

“Keatyn, I swear, you are clueless.”

“I am not clueless. He told me himself he wants to be my friend.”

“I want to be Ariela’s friend.”

“You also want to sleep with her. Aiden doesn’t want to sleep with me. Actually, that’s not true. He said we might sleep together someday. But I had a friends with benefits relationship before. I don’t want that. I want more.”

“And you’re getting more from Dawson?”

“Yes. No. Kinda. He says he loves me.”

“I’m learning that saying it and proving it are very different things. Night, baby.”

To keep reading more of the sneak peek, click here!

To pre-order Love Me, click here!!

If you haven’t read The Keatyn Chronicles yet, book one is FREE. Click here to read Stalk Me.

Click here to read book two: Kiss Me. Click here to read book three: Date Me.

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