Who Am I?
For over a day now I have been thinking about Eden’s post, “Who the Hell are you? “
Eden laid out the challenge to all of us here on the blogosphere…
“Come stage your comeback …. who are you? It’s a really simple question. Hard to answer.
You can go deep or just skim the surface, there’s no right or wrong.”
Eden is right. This is a very hard question to answer. (Well, it’s hard for me anyway). Immediately after reading Eden’s post, my gut feeling was to leave this this comment:
“Do we ever know who we really are?
Life is a journey.
We are travelling on a road where there are potholes and really crappy bits along the way. There’s an emptiness we need to fill.
There’s a better person that we are trying to become. We are constantly growing, changing, evolving.
I look at who I was before I had my kids. I look at who I am now. I am a better person because of them, but I am still not happy with who I am.
I have an emptiness that needs to be filled. I have love inside me but I hold it back from others. Sometimes I feel like I am a robot. Other times I am filled with so much emotion I don’t know what to do with it.
I am work in progress.”
But Who Am I? Ever since then, I have been scouring my heart, my mind and soul. It has been eating at me. Who Am I? Who Am I? Who Am I?
I. Don’t. Know.
I have no idea who I am. I am on a flimsy raft in a somewhere out there in the vastness of ocean, paddling as hard as I can against the waves, trying to find land.
So today I have been thinking a lot about what I believe about myself. Before I had my kids, this is what I was in the habit of believing:
I am a little girl. I am alone in the world. I am worthless. I am unloved. I am lost. Everything is my fault. I must do whatever I can to please everyone around me all the time, or bad things will happen. I must be perfect. I will never succeed. I can’t rely on anyone but myself.
Having kids has changed me for the better. Now what I believe about myself is something like this:
I am a woman. I am strong. I am a fierce lioness that will do anything to protect her cubs. I am surrounded by a family that loves me. Its ok to ask for help sometimes. Its ok to put myself first. I am a survivor. I will succeed.
Many people that think that they know me – even if they have known me for years – don’t really know me at all. How can they know who I am, when I don’t know myself? I have lived for more than 30 years with a heart encased with stone walls. I am slowly breaking down those walls, brick by brick.
Sometimes I still feel emptiness. I may be fragile from time to time. Thats ok though, because I am on a journey. A journey to become the best person that I can be. Not just a better mother, a better wife or better friend, but a better person. A better me.
I am a work in progress.
And like the Queen of the Andes, I am going to bloom before I die, even if it takes me 80 years to get there.
And I will be magnificent.
Don’t forget to check out the Eden’s Post, and while you are there, pop on over and visit the rest of the beautiful people that linked up with Edenland’s Fresh Horses Brigade.